I want to lay beside you tonight
Turned away from you
Staring off toward the doorway
The comforter hugging my body
My underarm clutching the fabric

It's dark
But I know you have enough light to see me
If you want to look
Are you looking?
I think I can feel your gaze on my hair
Penance on the back of my neck
Fear on my right shoulder-blade
Blankets we've tugged and soaked so many times hiding a backside you know well

You knew me then
When I was lost
Aimless yet determined
When I could shake hands and fake conversations
When I believed I knew all there was

You knew me then
Cheap pizza and pricey wine
My depression disguised by conversation
For the first time in a long time
You tolerated the times I threw my pain back in your face

You loved me then
More cheap pizza and pricier wine
My disappointment impossible to disguise
My desperation heavy like the clouds overhead
Yet somehow we didn't expect the weather to turn
The river swelled
I followed you to the mountains
Nine people grabbed my arm
One person waved me off

I loved you then
Overcooked ribs and free wine
We'd drink and drink and drink
My paranoia is the last thing you have the patience to soothe
My pain cuts me so deep
I need to cut you with it too
My emergency contact
You're at my bedside twice in one year
My trembling body under a blue sheet
The first time you wait for me to wake up
The second time I wake up and you're gone

You know me well
4 am and drunk on stale love
I want you when I shouldn't
You finish another man's job
We move between silence and I fall in love
There are as many planes and names as my age
And then I change

I want to lay beside you tonight
Turned away from you
Staring off toward the doorway
Because you knew me then
Loved me
Let me go
And you know me now
Your hazel eyes let in more light than mine
So you can see me in the dark
I wonder when you see my face
Do you still find me beautiful
Do you still find me brilliant
Do you still find me charming
Or did your attraction burn down
When I torched the home
We built together

You see me now
From the top of your mountain
Stringing words with my thumb
Staring into a box in the dark
You know me now
I'm everything you knew I could be

© Mary dela Torre, 2016