The Plateau

How do I get better
Lamenting over
All of the ways
I am broken

What is therapeutic
About therapy
Breaking bones
When all I want to do
Is heal?

How do I find strength
For my weakness
Even if my admission
Is a secret?

If no one hears it
I still said it

How do you expect me to
Move on with my life
When I'm paying money
To obsess
Over all the ways
I'm still stuck in the past?

I can't grow
In a tiny box
With only windows to let in the light
I need to feel the heat on my skin
When you stare at me
From across the room
It isn't love
It's examination
And that isn't real

In the moments
I'm reminded
That there are parts of me
Still broken
It hurts
But I need to heal
And I will not
By ripping open my skin
I won't pour out my heart to you
The way I pour out my savings
To save me
At the mercy
Of your masters degree

Maybe I can live without the memories
What's another quarter-century
If I can't live
A regular life
Look in the mirror
And decide
I am worthy
I am capable
Of real, honest love
And mean it every day
Not just on the days that are sunny
And when my parts work smoothly
No amount of money
Will teach me
To forgive myself

I won't bring you with me
You're another set of crutches
My legs still work
Not always perfectly
But they're mine

The self-fulfilled prophecy that I'm not enough
I'm never enough
This isn't enough
Still not enough
Not the right time
Not the right place
Always an excuse
Always a catch
Always a disclaimer
God damnit it's my fucking life
I am enough
I need. to be. enough.

Every cheque I write you says
I need your help existing
Every cheque I write you says
I need your help living
Every cheque I write you says
I can't be happy
Because if I am
We need to talk about it
Because happiness can't be real

There are nights
When my heart breaks
And it hurts so much I realize
I was always broken
But you won't fix me
You won't heal me

When he stares at me
From across the room
It's love
Not examination
He won't fix me
Or heal me
All I want from him is to take me
As I am
To give me patience
And time
And love
For everything I am
Now and forever
Because I am enough

I don't want to feel like
That love is not enough
My life is not enough
All this work
Money and time
What is it worth
If I'm still not enough?

© Mary dela Torre, 2016