I didn't miss you.
I didn't miss this sinking feeling
of the opposite of forever
time and eternity closing in
and swallowing me in between
the caving walls.
I've been fine without you.
The hairline pokes
have lifted my temple pain
in waves of pleasant cold
while the ganja sends warm
gentle waves down my spine
slowing my panicked heart and
warming me better than any
electric blanket on sale.
$1 off Wednesdays were a big mistake
'cause a glass of unoaked chardonnay
was all it took to make
the demons come back again.
Really I've been okay
and I could've had a fine night
without thinking about forgiveness
and how hard it is
scrolling through the 'online' list
only to decide
that no one will care enough to listen.
In the same second I ache for all
my past injustices
I go unblocking to create danger
and swiping right for suspense
this is old-fashioned loneliness
repackaged by fashionable brands
Recognize a Facebook status as
the means to an end
But they never expect it from me
Only the ones who once
sat across from me at the table
or even took the bill
In a past life know how much I didn't miss you
how I never liked you to begin with
they'd probably be pleased to know
that I've been getting on my own
but they're grateful for the mountains
between us to keep themselves
sober or dead
they've had enough long ago
© Mary dela Torre, 2017