L.A.J., Part 3

I can’t reduce you to felt experience
If I believed that I could boil you down
I would have ripped your clothes off in the storage closet
and fucked you until you were empty
of all life-giving promise
I would carry your future between my legs
all the way to the mainland
and I wouldn’t have sought broken-hearted vengeance
the way I did, while I watched the sunset from the upper deck
I don’t hold onto the way we held on
Even your voice slips away from me now
like the unknown lyrics to a song
And day after day
while my heart longs
I can only conjure up less and less
I can’t reduce you
when there’s nothing left of you to keep
You’re disappearing beyond my reach

© Mary dela Torre, 2017

 

You were bigger than me
But unlike the trees in the forest
The ones I’d wrap my arms around and they would show me where to go
You crumbled in my arms that afternoon
Collapsed into the crook of the couch
Your fingers tracing my spine as if you wondered how I could keep holding myself up
Devoid of the magic
Which I swore was falling from the trees round the cabin each morning
and down from the stars each night
I was smaller than you
but it was like you couldn’t even stand without my help
Let alone shield my eyes from being blinded
or give me what I need to survive
I loved you and I thought you’d give me life
but you hardly had enough in you
to keep yourself alive

© Mary dela Torre, 2017

 

I say I wish I never met you
but it would have been impossible to evade you
and it became necessary to enlist you
as my partner
in this war I’ve fought alone

© Mary dela Torre, 2016

 

Your shame
wants to get inside and become mine
but I’ve shut the door and locked it
barred it
even your greatest waves won’t wash me away this time

© Mary dela Torre, 2017

 

I wanna love you all over again
but my heart won’t let me
It forgave you first but will love me last

© Mary dela Torre, 2016

 

Chaos, danger, and recklessness
I thought that loving you
meant I would leave it all behind
Instead
you are all those things combined
perhaps that was why I loved you so
Your darkness
rooted
from the same beginnings as mine

© Mary dela Torre, 2016

 

I will move like the waves
in and out of acceptance
and one day I’ll be still
having accepted all of this
It’s in knowing that some day
I’ll have had to let you go
and all over again
I won’t accept this

© Mary dela Torre, 2016

poetryMary