(untitled)

Nothing
Literally NOTHING
could have prepared me to love you
To be ready to even know you
The way I inevitably would

Cause it was so good
I wanted it to last forever
And when it was bad
I needed to erase all of its traces
So the evidence is long gone
Casualties to my impulses
The hours, lost and found
Records wiped
Texts and calls

And just like the horrors that fell over me
Like dark shadows in my early years
Swallowed by the vortex of my vigilant brain
Protect her
And keep nothing
I kept nothing
Wiped the slate clean every time
So the memories that surface
Are the stains

That's how
In six weeks
I'm back where I always am
Feeling alone and lonely
With you right beside me
My lens switched out
Smudged and dirty
No matter how lovely
You don't belong in my picture

I need a special kind of care
Not only
Do I need to find the lost hours
Hidden in the fights with men before you
But I need to find the lost years
That are the true missing pieces
To any sense of wholeness
I've never known

I hope to show you what I find
On the other side
Maybe the better parts of me
Are still complete
That just need to be wiped clean

And I hope one day we make new memories
That I won't rush to erase
As soon as the clouds roll in
Because each time the storm passes, know
That I've learned to calm myself
But stillness becomes sadness
When the joy is washed away
With no memories left to hold

If you only knew
The horrors
And what they did to my mind
Nothing could prepare you to love me
Or even know me
The way you inevitably would

© Mary dela Torre, 2016

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