Not now, not at all. I'm jumping the gun. I decided to venture out onto JP's gargantuan balcony and reflect on the things I'm about to scribble ferociously onto physical paper with a pen I got in Japan. My moment was lost, however, by the sound of his neighbours upstairs. Still awake, lights on, profanities uttered. Even if I sat on the couch I knew it wouldn't be the same. So here I am again, cross-legged on the guest bed, losing feelings.
I'm jumping the gun. By attempting this blog right now I'm merely manifesting the weakness I've embodied that's held me back. I'm analyzing while in it. I'm failing to feel, failing to be present. I'm thinking too much before I act. Yet somehow I want to make this moment - this night, this relatively unremarkable evening in Toronto - permanent. Forever in the realm of the internet and my physical life on earth, and my continued ability to pay for my Squarespace subscription. For whatever reason I feel like I need to commit tonight to online memory. To webspace. To the 21st century version of forever. For whatever reason, I need to try.
There's no need for me to recount the details, considering writing this was unnecessary to begin with. Yet I had to.
"Eventually never comes."